You can have a wonderful, committed, compassionate relationship by being changeable and choosing it to be so. The following information is from "The Book of Positive Qualities" by Jim Downs.
Compassion
Word Forms: compassionate, compassionated, compassionating, compassionately, compassionateness
Definitions: (1) possessing sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it; (2) a disposition to pity; inclined to show mercy
Synonyms: tender, soft, indulgent, kind, clement, gracious
Quotes:
"Every human being has the potential for compassion. I have chose to pay more attention to it." -The Dalai Lama, upon receiving the Nobel Peace Prize
"A human being is a part of the whole called by us "Universe," a part limited in time and space. He [she] experiences the self, thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest - a kind of optical delusion of (the personal) consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty." -Albert Einstein
"I regard it a s the foremost task of education to ensure the survival of these qualities: an enterprising curiosity, an undefeatable spirit, tenacity in pursuit, readiness for sensible self-denial, and above all, compassion." -Kurt Hahn, founder of Outward Bound
"I know that most...can seldom discern even the simplest and most obvious truth if it be such as obliges them to admit the falsity of conclusions they have formed,...of which they are proud, which they have taught to others, and on which they have built their lives." -Leo Tolstoy
Note: In your struggle to help others "see the light," understand the hold that the past has on them, that what they have experienced and fought for is often fused with their identity. Realize this about yourself, too, and be sensitive to the truth contained in different beliefs.
Mythology: Androcles was a Roman slave who while seeking freedom had removed a thorn from a lion's paw. When he was caught, he was doomed to fight a lion that turned out to be the befriended animal. Since the lion fawned on him, he was freed.
Change
Word Forms: changed, changing, changeable, changeability, changeful, changeably, changeableness
Definition: subject to variation or alteration in form, state, quality, or essence; passing from one state or form to another; transformative
Synonyms: modification, mutation, transmutation, transition, novelty, innovation, revolution, labile
Kindred Qualities: playful, restful, worshipful
Sayings: Omnia mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis (Latin): "All things are changing and we are changing with them."
Quotes:
"A tiny change today brings us a dramatically different tomorrow. There are grand rewards for those who pick the high roads." -Richard Bach, One
"The biggest reason for resisting change is the anticipation that the personal costs of the potential change will be greater than the benefits." -J. Randolph New and Daniel D. Singer, Industrial Engineering Magazine
"When individuals resist change due to threatened self-interest, there is a tendency to camouflage the real reasons for resistance with "other reasons" the change should not be made." -J. Randolph New and Daniel D. Singer, Industrial Engineering Magazine
"What I see without is a reflection of what I have first seen within my own mind. I always project into the world the thoughts, feelings and attitudes which preoccupy me. I can see the world differently by changing my mind about what I want to see." -Gerald Jampolsky
"Change creates movement; movement creates change." ~ Jerry Downs
"He who cannot change the very fabric of his thoughts will never be able to change reality."-Anwar Sadat
"You cannot change anyone except yourself. After you have become an example, you can inspire others to change themselves." -Peace Pilgrim, Steps Toward Inner Peace
Affirmation: I choose to change. (All of the from's and to's are inherent in the choice. You can get detailed about them after that first choice)
Consideration: Make it harder and it will be easier to give up. make it easier and it won't be necessary to give up. Put a lot of energy into something, and you will want to follow through.
Advice:
It is hard to make a difficult change. It is easier if you are, or feel as if you are, forced to changed by an outside agent. It is also easier if you believe that the change is a must. In either case the actual move takes courage and faith. There are degrees, as with all things. That is why it is a good idea to consciously decide to accept difficulty that is relatively small. Some things are physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually on the edge of your ability. When you have to deal with something hard, do so with a friend.
Change is easier if you are moving toward the positive. It is more difficult when you are moving away from the negative. And, anyway, the only way to move away from the negative is to create a positive intention to do so.
Comments:
• What you think and do moment by moment are what create and change the structure of your being.
• People would be better off if they knew how to change their minds. We get stuck in the way we hold the universe. True, there needs to be an order to our existence, but there must also be the ability to let go of the established "reality" to make way for a new and better way. Therein lies the answer. We cannot give up the established reality without some very good reason. Therefore, look for the good reason.
• When you decide, you are in control. When you believe or allow someone outside yourself to be in control, they are establishing the boundaries of your being.
• One important element of change is motivation. You have to be interested or threatened to act.
• Desire to what you have to do. Do it well and patiently and recognize that it will get done. Don't hold any stress or antagonism in your mind as you do it. While mowing the lawn, instead of ignoring that weed, dig it out. Instead of not clipping around that tree, do so with care and enjoy it too.
• You can recreate yourself. There is a way to exchange and modify your attitude toward things that have already happened. You can do so by changing your inner self, by enhancing your knowledge, by adding to your information, by adjusting your patterns and habits, and by seeing the past in the light of your new experiences. Change the past by changing who you are. Let's say that you were in a car wreck and broke your foot - "bad" experience. You did experience pain. You may have assigned blame. You do wish that you had done something differently. But now you can change your attitude. Even though the facts of the experience stay the same, who you are in relation to that experience has changed. You now have qualities that you did not have then. The meaning of the experience becomes fuller and therefore the value of the experience is modified to become something that is other than the negative experience it once was. Consider this as the completion of the experience. Until you have come to peace with your past experiences and the choices that created those experiences, you will feel incomplete.
• You have choice. You are the result of your choices. The events that happen internally and the events that happen externally are responsive to your choices. We normally react to the world in predictable ways. This consistency is because of our unique combination of experiences and choices and because of the characteristics of our inner selves. We can free ourselves from the bounds of our patterns by expanding the repertoire of possible responses. Before you react, glance at your range of possible responses. Becoming is not only relative to who you are but also to who you have changed to. Do you have new attitudes? Have you added to your qualities? You can respond differently because you are different.
Essay:
There are various factors involved in the phenomenon of change. First, we realize a movement away from stability. We arrived at our current fixed point of view from our finite experience and will move to a new one from our expanded experience. The new information (catalyst for the change) is plugged into the existing system and a new stability is eventually established.
I see a three-sphere model, each sphere within a larger one, that is descriptive of each person's actuals and potentials.
The inner sphere represents that which a person is due to their experiences and decisions. This is the now. This is constantly expanding and changing as it interacts with the second sphere. These two spheres are where a person lives - the self.
The second sphere includes the internal and external stimuli and pressures that a person can cope with. These can, with relative ease, be brought into the solidity of the first sphere.
In the third sphere are the hazy outreachings of the mind and unexpected and traumatic experiences. Sometimes a person feels this area to some degree. Elements of it are continually coming into the second sphere. This is the superconscious level of mobilization.
Something that happens in the first sphere as a result of something coming in from the outer reaches of the third sphere could kill you or send you to an institution. Some examples would be a traumatic physical accident, a devastating emotional experience, or a drug overdose.
The inner-most sphere is solid and is the core of who you are. The second is liquid and is your short-term potential. The third is gaseous and is your long-term potential and expectations.
There are seven stages to change. The cycle of change begins with a catalyst - an event that touches you and has to be dealt with to maintain the equilibrium of the system. The event can be something simple or difficult, positive or negative. It can originate in the first, second, or third sphere.
The second step in the process is that you feel the event. This is a seemingly obvious thing, but nonetheless no growth will be forthcoming if it has no internal impact. Reactions are relative to who a person is at the time of the occurrence. The same event will have a different impact on each individual or on the same individual at a different time.
Next, the actual work of the change is begun with a clear visualization of or feeling for what has happened. Of course, some changes are so easy for a person to deal with that the process may happen almost instantaneously. But in more difficult situations the stabilization process could take years.
The fourth step in the growth process is the breakdown into perspective. There is a gradual acceptance of the totality of the experience. One considers a series of options. What can be done about it? How do I fit these facts into my current system? Do I need a new system?
At the fifth step you should ask yourself, How do I create that new system? How do I integrate it into my old system without completely destroying the old system? Here is the rub. Some mighty strange juxtapositions find their way into our personal realities here.
The sixth is the settling of the experience - the recognition of a new individual - the balancing of a new first sphere.
The seventh phase is the mobilization of the new being. You really haven't got it unless you live it. This is also the most important place to take time out, to rest and recuperate.
This is the process of change, but change is not necessarily equal to growth. You do not want to just exchange one type of system for a different one. The alternate one could even be worse. You want to build the new person on the changeless realities of the universe. Growth is the integration of meanings and values. The greater you are able to adapt your internal environment to your external environment and experience, the greater the meaning inherent in the change.
If you refuse to accept the higher values and deeper meanings, the lower conflicts will persist.
Life is usually lived in a series of small steps and achievements. If you go outside what you can do, you will need to develop the ability and comfort to live with the new self that you are creating. Since the ideal is to always have a new self emerging from the old, it is essential to have a fluid sense of self that is above change and yet familiar with and adapting to change all the time.
Exercises (adapted from Denis Waitly, Nightingale-Conant Audio Tapes):
Change
1. By looking at your attitudes
2. By practicing consciously developed habits
3. By developing your personal skills
4. By clear vision
5. By strong commitment
Managing Change
1. View change as normal. Monitor your capability of adaptability.
2. Do your best to do your best. Be constructive. Rebound from disappointment and failure.
3. If the effort to change the little things far exceeds its worth, learn to live with it now and come back to it later. Keep your mind free to concentrate on bigger things.
4. Investigate ways to do things more effectively. Be inventive.
Symbols: death; eleven; transition from one stage to another - the bridge; hoping to change an expected outcome - crossing of the fingers
Choice
Word Forms: choicer, choicest, choices, choose, chose, chosen, choicely, choiceness
Definitions: (1) worthy of being preferred; of special excellence; the best part of anything; (2) holding dear; recognizing value; (3) to make a choice; decide; carefully chosen; the right of privilege of choosing; option; the person or thing chosen; (4) to select freely after consideration; the voluntary act of selecting or separating from two or more things
Synonyms: alternative, election, exquisite, elegant, rare, dainty, delicate
Compatible Qualities: decisive, freedom
Quotes:
"Life itself must be founded upon the infinite possibility for choice and accident; and if we cannot prove that it is, we must believe that it is. We must believe that we can change; that we can control; that we can direct our own destinies." -Anne Rice, The Witching Hour
"The only way to avoid all frightening choices is to leave society and become a hermit, and that is a frightening choice." -Richard Bach, One
"We can have health, love, longevity, understanding, adventure, money, happiness. We design our lives through the power of our choices." -Richard Bach, One
"We are creators! And creators act." -Jacquelyn Small, Transformers
"Pick a behavior that works." -Jerry Downs
Reflections:
The existence of the knowns leads to the understanding of the unknowns. We know that choice, personality, experience, and all manner of positive qualities do exist. We know by personal experience that living positively is better than living negatively. Positive movement will lead to additional positive action even in the face of evil. And even though the fact of physical death is a compelling argument, it is not unreasonable to assume that we can continue our positive quest beyond the grave. If we do not continue, then there would be no reason for value to exist. A nonpersonal, mechanistic universe would have no need for love and its positive ramifications.
Habit is analogous to motion. The first choice is like the first movements of a baby on its way to developing the walking muscles. Pulling, stretching, and crawling are the beginning of mobility. As the movement becomes habitual, as choice piles upon choice, you can move into faster modes, and then into different vehicles to be able to move at greater speeds still remaining relatively comfortable.
Habit and inertia are related. The faster you're going with a commitment, the more momentum it has behind it because of previous decisions. If you make a bunch of decisions that move you toward honesty, and then you make a decision that moves you toward dishonesty, that one instance of dishonest behavior creates drag on the positive force, but it will probably not hold enough energy to reverse the positive momentum. The same is also true if you make many negative behavioral decisions. They build up momentum in the direction of isolation. If you are consistently choosing the unreal, a positive decision will put the brakes on the negative behavior but won't necessarily revers it. Albeit, the character of the decision can have a greater decelerating force. Just a s a space ship going around the earth at eighteen thousand miles an hour slows down rather quickly when it enters the atmosphere, so too can a positive decision put the brakes on negative momentum if the integrity of the decision generates enough basic honest change. This may mean that in change there can be a lot of friction and pain. Consider the "good thief" on the cross. His sincerity was off such a magnitude that his continuance as a being was guaranteed. Being in heaven did not mean that he was granted a state of perfection, it means he was granted a chance to continue to choose.
You don't have to personally experience the negative in order to know where it will go. The repercussions of such decisions are learned by observation, logic, and history. Some beings have already gone down that avenue and shown us where the path leads.
On the other hand, even the objective, observable facts of positive choices, and the certainty that they lead toward continued happiness and the joy of a worthwhile existence, may not be enough to move one in that direction. It definitely should be an influential factor, but the real motivation exists in experiencing the positive results of personal choice.
Choice is the nourishment. Choice is the fuel. You can choose to satisfy needs on the physical, emotional, or spiritual levels. A crocodile perceives, in its primitive way, its hunger and "chooses" to eat a fish. It satisfies the need - making the choice on a physical level to continue to exist. If you choose to continue on the spiritual level you must choose the fuel of positive qualities and the action of living them.
Mistaken choices due to lack of information, lack of clarity, intelligence, social conditions, frustration, environmental conditions, and even mistaken curiosity are included in reality because choice is universal and sacred. It is one of the constants. Just as gravity and light are constants on the physical plane, choice is a constant on the personality plane. Even though light is a constant, there are places of darkness. So too with choice. Having the ability to choose sometimes means that an incorrect choice can be made.
Two of the major elements of choice are options and contrast. Contrast implies conflict, adversity, and difficulty. The purpose of these seemingly negative characteristics is to shine light on the positive elements of unity, clarity, harmony, and understanding. This ultimately leads to increased wisdom. Through the experience of choices, positive and negative, one can make further choices with more clarity, power, and reality.
As the individual grows in grace and wisdom through their choice and experience they help the Whole to become complete. As the Whole is evolving to its idea, it helps the individual to become more perfect. It all works together. Thus things eventually become more ordered and less chaotic.
Many times choice will be incorrect, but only by choosing and then consecrating that choice with action will you find that out. That is the only time you will actually feel the experience. But since you can relive it in a different way in your mind, you can learn. Then the next time you will live it differently.
We hold on to our old selves while allowing our new selves to grow around the old. We are like coral, where the old is the structure upon which we rely for stability. We know ourselves by who we have been, and yet we are not our structure any more than we are our body. The old self is a record of what we have chosen, and because of those choices we make new choices now. Holding on to the previous self is holding on to a dead self.
Observations:
• Choice is not only about future moments; it is about the moment you are in.
• Resistance blocks acceptance of who you are and is a friend of fear. It holds you back from choosing to be the person you dream of being and doing the things that you want to do.
• Whatever the situation - no matter how outlandish - your choices dictate your outcome. The situation may or may not be affected by your choice, but what happens to you is up to you.
Admonitions:
• Choice propels action; therefore, be sure that you are heading in the right direction.
• Choice is the key. Choose that which seems important, and as you move through life, you will change and alter your choosing. The more information and experience you have, the more varied will be your possible new choices.
Comments:
Positive versus Negative Choice
Consider you choice as going toward the good, not just away from the bad. It is not a matter of being good because of fear of the consequences. Preserve life because life is good and intrinsically valuable. Do not refrain from killing because it's a sin or because you will go to jail or to hell. Respect others' property because the other is worthy of respect, not because you may get caught if you take something.
If you are motivated by the negative consequences, you are at least refraining from one negative even though it is because of another negative. The consequences of an action will help clarify a choice. If the choice is to take advantage of somebody else, the possible legal consequences may curtail the behavior. Yet spiritual consequences (positive or negative) are absolutely unavoidable and inevitable.
Freedom
You are choosing to reduce your freedom if you decide to take somebody else's freedom away.
Choice Creates Reality
Since your choice is what makes your emerging reality, and since you are the one doing the choosing, you are the one choosing whether or not you are going to be a "chosen one."
Too Many Choices
Sometimes you don't think you have a choice because you have too many choices. You might be frustrated by the number of options. You feel that you don't have what it takes or that you don't have what you need. You experience this feeling because you are overwhelmed; you have not narrowed the field. The answer is to begin the narrowing process. If you take a look at your range of options and look at them objectively, you can begin to filter your options.
Accept and Reject
• When we choose to accept, we also choose to ignore. It would be better if in choosing to accept we were also aware of what we are choosing to reject. Consider the modern combat pilot. He is choosing the force and power and thrill of flying in an airplane that is the culmination of modern technology. He is choosing honor and duty and service to his country. But when he drops his bombs and targets his objectives, is he ignoring or choosing to reject the facts of the destruction caused? Does he realize the loss of property, life, hope, and dreams? Is it someone else's responsibility?
• Choice is inclusive and exclusive. We tend, as a species, to exclude the gentle or "soft" qualities. And we tend to include the powerful or "hard" qualities. Maybe that is because a great many of the people who have been kind, peaceful, and giving have been killed. I can see that the physical and material success that these hard qualities provide is compelling and that they are necessary for their survival value. But there is a greater possibility for survival above the physical. If a person decides to include a wider range of qualities in their repertoire, they will be choosing to be successful on the emotional, mental, and spiritual levels as well.
Choice Never Stops
You are also choosing if you choose not to choose. You have to keep acknowledging that choice never stops. Choice is always in motion. Choice is absolute. Even the choice to exist or to terminate your existence.
Bad Habits
"Bad is up to the individual to honestly assess. My wife's grandmother loved to dance but decided to agree with her religion, which taught that it was a "bad" habit, and she gave it up.
Bad habits are "breaking" mechanisms. If you decide that something is bad, you are deciding that it will slow you down. A bad habit will not move you to the light. On the other hand, a one-time bad act can be helpful in that you learn to move in the right direction by knowing, through negative experience, that the direction that the bad action just sent you was wrong. Use your bad action as a guide. Because of it you know where not to go.
Everybody has their own pace. Don't be fooled with the glamour of traveling at light speed. Most, maybe all, drugs - including power - speed you up temporarily and fool you into moving with artificial acceleration. But if you have not come by your speed naturally, there is the inevitable burnout.
Use your bad habit as a slingshot. See in it what you are striving for. What does it give you that you need? Make that need your goal, your mission, your desire.
God's Will
Is it God's will?
People say that it is God's will if something bad happens. most of the time they mean that God is personally crating the difficulty or disaster in order to teach a lesson. This is right only in that God set everything up. The individual still has the freedom to choose. The nature of fire is to burn, therefore, if you choose to play with fire expect to get burned. God did not manipulate your choice, He simply provided the fire for you to use. Even though a personal deity cares about you personally, He will not interfere with your choice.
As for the lessons learned, they are part of the divine setup too. As you experience something you get to know the consequences and, therefore, act and react accordingly in the future.
Jesus' Choice
It's really astounding that somebody like Jesus got crucified. This is because choice is absolute. He not only had power, but he also had complete respect for choice. It was amazing that he didn't say or do to those who intended to kill him what was needed so that they wouldn't kill him. He knew what was in their hearts and minds. Yet he also knew that the only way to make them not do what they were going to do would be to block their free will. That is exactly what he decided not to do because that would not have been divine. It would have been a manipulation of their reality and he just couldn't take their free choice away from them even though it would have meant saving his own skin.
No Choice
When do you not have choice? When you are reacting automatically. At the first moment that something happens you don't necessarily have control over your reaction - your preprogrammed responses. But remember that you created your mechanical response by your previous choices.
The choices that you make during the moment modify how you will react next time. You are creating a new default value. Fear grabs you and you face it. The next time that you are presented with fear, your response has been tempered by the fact that you chose to change your nature. You are more in control because you have decided to become the person that is in control.
Questions:
1. Am I choosing?
2. Am I choosing positive qualities for myself and others?
3. Am I choosing a balanced set of positive qualities?
4. Are my choices fair, practical, and wise?
Symbol: crossroads
Mythology: Janus, the Roman god of beginnings and endings, the guardian of portals, who had two face, one on each side of his head
